A few of you may be aware that I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. As May is BPD Awareness month I wanted to take this opportunity to spread the awareness of this disorder here on my blog.
BPD is a severe, chronic, disabling, and potentially lethal psychiatric condition. People who suffer with this disorder have extreme and long standing instability in their emotional lives, as well as in their behavior and their self-image. This is a common disorder affecting 2% of the general population. The best evidence indicates that about 11% of psychiatric outpatients and 19% of inpatients meet diagnostic criteria for BPD.
These instabilities of emotion, behavior, and self-image have devastating and sometimes deadly consequences. People with BPD have repeated and frequent difficulties in their relationships and work lives and they feel alternating extremes of anger, depression, and emptiness. All too frequently, 69% to 75% of individuals with BPD resort to self-destructive behaviors such as self-mutilation, alcohol and drug abuse, serious over or under eating, and suicide attempts to attempt to escape from their emotional turmoil. The completed suicide rate for BPD individuals is 3% to 9.5%, which is comparable to the other serious psychiatric disorders such as depression, alcohol dependence, and schizophrenia.
Compounding the seriousness of Borderline Personality Disorder is that it is difficult to treat. The very characteristics of the disorder, such as unstable relationships and intense anger, interfere with establishing the therapeutic relationship that is necessary to any treatment, whether psychotherapy or medication. Further, mental health professionals often are reluctant to treat these individuals because they exhibit two characteristics likely to lead to clinician “burnout” : the BPD person’s hostility towards the clinical professional and their persistent suicidal thoughts and feelings.
Despite the devastating nature of this disorder, it has not received the scientific and clinical attention that other health and psychiatric problems of equal, or even lesser, level of disability have received.
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is an American handbook for mental health professionals that lists different categories of mental disorders and the criteria for diagnosing them. It is published by the American Psychiatric Association, and used worldwide by clinicians and researchers as well as insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies and policy makers.
According to the DSM-IV, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
What is Emotional Dysregulation?
The mind of an individual with BPD does not correctly process emotions, and is triggered by a wide range of seemingly normal events and circumstances–a look, a sound, a physical touch, or something that evokes a memory of a past event. This trigger creates an environment that is perceived as unsafe and chaotic, resulting in the BPD responding in a dramatic ‘fight or flight’ manner, often leading to either intense fear and social isolation or ‘acting out’ through impulsive, maladaptive behaviors.
The tendency of individuals with BPD is to actively avoid threatening situations.
The result of avoidance is isolation and denial, which leaves the individual feeling more alone, hopeless, and ’stuck’ in a self-destructive cycle of out-of-control emotions. The confusion and pain is experienced not only in the mind of the individual with BPD, but also in the lives of their family and loved ones who are equally impacted by the devastating consequences of this mental illness.
Why is the Ability to Regulate Emotions So Crucial?
The ability to regulate the experience and expression of emotion is crucial because its absence leads to the disruption of behavior, especially goal-directed behavior and other prosocial behavior.
The inability to regulate emotional arousal also interferes with the development and maintenance of a sense of self.
What are the Effects of Emotional Dsyregulation?
The numbness associated with inhibited affect is often experienced as emptiness. The individual’s sense of events is never ‘correct’ or unpredictably ‘correct’, which leads to the development of an overdependence on others to determine how they think, feel, and act. This further leads to a lack of identity or complete absence of a sense of self.
The difficulties in controlling impulsive behaviors and expressions of extreme negative emotions wreak havoc in many ways with their relationships; in particular, difficulties with anger and anger expression preclude the maintenance of stable relationships.
What Causes Emotional Dysregulation?
Emotional invalidation is an interaction style characteristic of societies that put a premium on individualism, including individual self-control and individual achievement.
An invalidating environment contributes to emotion dysregulation in a number of ways:
Painful experiences are trivialized and attributed to negative traits such as lack of motivation, lack of discipline, and failure to adopt a positive attitude.
It fails to teach the child to label and modulate arousal, to tolerate distress, or to trust her own emotional responses as valid interpretations of events.
It actively teaches the child to invalidate her own experiences by making it necessary for her to scan the environment for cues about how to act and feel.
It punishes the expression of negative emotion and erratically reinforces emotional communication only after escalation by the child. In doing so, the family shapes an emotional expression style that essentially cuts off the communicative function of ordinary emotions.
Why is BPD More Misunderstood, Stigmatized, and Under-Funded Compared to Other Mental Illnesses?
Famous personalities who are thought to have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder include Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana, Adolph Hitler, the character portrayed by Winona Ryder in the film Girl, Interrupted, the roommate in the film Single White Female, and the character portrayed by Glenn Close in the film Fatal Attraction, among others.
Media stereotypes have enhanced the most severe symptoms of BPD and increased the stigma rather than promoting education and providing support for those who struggle to cope in real life. Without the emergence of a celebrity or well-known and highly-respected individual who is diagnosed and functioning with BPD to spark a more positive and hope-inspiring media campaign to generate awareness and support, individuals with BPD will likely continue to be considered ‘untreatable burdens’ by the public, given lower priority for research funding within the mental health community, and denied coverage for treatment by the healthcare industry.
http://bpdawareness.org
I started playing squash when I was eleven... I was naturally gifted at sports and I excelled at most sports or physical activities, being the tomboy I was. I was even scouted by an American tennis coach but squash was the game I took to another level. Needless to say that meant many hours as a young teenager in training and competitions - both at club level and internationally. I represented Scotland in the U14, U16 and U19 squad.
In the earlier days there was a girl at the same club a few years older than me who was a better player and indeed the top womans club player. I aspired to one day beat her. I looked up to her and would watch her play at every chance. She was tall, athletic and moved about the court so well and she was powerful. She was my sporting hero, along with Steffi Graf.
Unfortunately due to the age difference she went on to University never to be seen again. I played in the ladies club team as a teenager and worked my way up to position #2 but I always wondered how I would've fared against this woman who I shall simply call K.
Due to injuries my playing days at Scottish squad level ended when I was 18 and I recalled the horrific injuries I had seen K suffer on court. I wondered if she still played.
I had been hopeless in school - getting an academic qualification was just not my thing. I would stare out of windows and watch the physical ed. classes in progress. I basically only went to school for P.E. That said, I am proud of the qualifications I did get, especially passing Latin. That surprised EVERYONE. Yet, I knew I had passed... that was the one exam I knew I had passed.
Anyway, I was still interested in sports and went to college and studied sports and recreation. My first job, aged 18, was as a lifeguard at the local swimming centre... there I got my ASA swimming teachers qualification. But by the time I was 21 I was no longer working or involved in sport. Life seemed to change. I drifted. The longer I was not involved in any sports the harder it got to get back involved. Life and lifestyle just got in the way.
As most of you are aware by now I struggle with a mental disorder and in a way it has afforded me the opportunity to explore and express my more creative side. I was referred to a craftgroup workshop for people with enduring mental illness and there I met the project manager, a guy who I will call M. It turns out M is married to K, the woman who I had looked up to as a young teenager. Turns out she remembered me ( she recalls my style as aggressive and competitive).
For the last 24 years she has been a personal fitness trainer despite having endured some major knee and back operations. She suggested we get back on court and has offered to help me back to physical fitness. I have mentioned before that my medications have had a negative side effect of weight gain and my lack of motivation has meant I have not done much in the way of physical exercise.
I explained my fears of not being fit, of going back on court and not being able to play to the standard I once had, and the frustration I'd feel and the probable sense of failure. I mentioned that as a youngster I had looked up to her and now felt a bit daunted that in my present state of condition I'd not be able to give her a good game of squash.
K has offered to start off slowly - go on walks with me with her dogs, (she lives on a farm so plenty of room to roam and for me to use her private gym. She says she wants to be a supportive friend and joked that she was going to train me to muck out her stables. She totally understood my fears and has put my mind at ease so I look forward to Monday when I go up to the farm for the first time.
This week I plucked up the courage to ask the manager of the craft workshop, where I go for support, if I could use space at the workshop on an additional day to work on my photography. So now on Fridays I have a place and time each week to focus on my studio work and hopefully improve my skills. I am getting more confident behind the camera and not so self conscious so I see this development as a sign of progress. It shows that after 15 months of going there that I am comfortable enough in the environment to show my own creativity with the camera.
Here is a link to one of my latest photographs -
http://jackal23.blogspot.com/2008/04/flower.html
Here is an insight into my 'splitting' and interpersonal relationships. I am anxious and confused. I avoided a confrontation with my CPN ( community psychiatric nurse ) this week by walking out of the session. No thank-you or goodbye - just up and out. I avoid confrontation at all costs.
I know I am ultra-sensitive to criticism and rejection - real or perceived but I am also very aware of my acute ability to be aware of another's mood and pick up on various clues. I picked up on frustration and annoyance coming from the CPN.
The 'creative arts' course has started and I am a little outwith my comfort zone. So far we have explored emotions both through shape, colour and size, and through movement, sound and words. Basically we took 4 emotions - happiness, sadness, anger and fear and expressed what they mean to us through simple artwork, words, sounds and motion.
People with Borderline Personality Disorder are unable to regulate the level of emotion experienced... so I was quite interested to see how my experiences of emotion compared to others in the group. But have you ever tried to express emotions in shapes, colours, size? It's not so easy. How would you express fear as a shape? What colour would you use for anger? What sound would you make for sadness etc. etc? Now it is all very well to quietly think about it in your head but to try to express and show it to strangers? Very daunting.
I was interested to find that happiness was the hardest for me to draw and fear was the easiest to draw. Does that reflect my state of mind at present?Anyway, we end our class each week with 'laughing yoga'. We stand in a circle and we laugh. Talk about being self conscious!!! To make it easier for us we start with a put on theatrical laugh... then within a few moments you actually do begin to laugh - it IS infectious. Initially it is awkward. I was smiling at the prospect... possibly in disbelief that it was actually going to happen... but yup, we ended up laughing. I am sure in time it will feel less awkward as we get to know each other on the course better and hopefully these things will all help in the development of my social skills and confidence.
I have created a photo blog - jackal23.blogspot.com/
Exhausted but exhilarated by my trip to the Masai Mara in Kenya, I feel I need a holiday to recover! The word safari means journey and what a journay I have been on - on many levels.
Not sure I can put into words the experience Minz and I had, when it reaches deep into your soul, but I can tell you we had a very special trip with many treasured and close encounters. Hopefully when my head stops spinning I'll attempt to write snippets here and there along with the photographs I post at cre8buzz, flickr and at my new photo blog - jackal23.blogspot.com/
Yesterday I started a 'Creative Arts' course which was also the second anniversary of my father's death. With going to Kenya when I did and then returning to start something new I never had a chance to fixate on the anniversary... so it came and went without too much difficulty.
On Saturday the intrepid mother and daughter duo, Minz and Jackal, are off on safari in the Masai Mara, Kenya. Be back soon - hopefully with a couple of photos.
For some time now I have been trying to come to a decision I could be happy with regarding my photography. I am not going to continue trying to sell my work at craft fairs. It was naive of me to think I could make any real money from my efforts.
The illusion that one day I'd be shooting for National Geographic, a wild dream. I can't even bring myself to submit an image to a local magazine. Such is my doubt and lack of confidence.
The craft fairs gave me hope - only to be followed by disappointment. I wasn't too worried about the money I was forking out - I was gaining experience. But ultimately, I realized that unless my work was far superior I was not going to make a name for myself.
So my photography will simply be my passionate hobby. But I do feel at a bit of a loss... the craft fairs had given me something to do, something I could tell others about. Show that I was making the effort - trying to prove my worth - but it was all too much for me. So am battling the sense that some folks say I have given up. For once, though I feel I am being realistic. I am not strong on marketing or promoting my work - yet others seem to think it would all be so easy. Not for me it ain't!!! So will see if in time I regret my decision or not. I wonder if I tried hard enough, long enough but truth is - even if I had tried harder it would not have worked out.
I challenge myself to try to upload new material often over at www.cre8buzz.com/profiles/112 . I organize a monthly photo assignment so that is always fun to do.
In other news I started the creative writing course. It had not occured to me that I'd need to actually read OUT my work to a room full of strangers. Talk about being out of my (mind) comfort zone.
I also finally, after managing to find the rain an excuse not to go, went to the walking group. Was mostly your retired type and of course, they all knew each other so I just tagged along. They go for a coffee after the walk but I, being not so sociable made my excuses and left.
I have also applied for a Creative Arts course starting in March for 3 months which will cover creative writing, visual arts, voice and movement ( interpret as me running out door screaming, "you want me to what?", percussion and drama. So again I'll be out of my comfort zone but the course is aimed for those struggling with mental illness and will hopefully improve my social skills, confidence, self-esteem and personal development.
However, I was honest in my application about my struggles so may find I am not given a place.
Time will tell... I'll hear early March.
Daunted but determined I am enrolling in a short creative writing course next week, joining a walking group and continuing part 2 of the digital art course. All in an effort to kickstart my year.
Life is a bit of a struggle just now. Maybe I just lack direction or ambition... overwhelmed by the choices in life. Have I failed to capitalize on opportunities or even feared them?
I have doubted myself to the point of being crippled with uncertainty and disbelief. My photography at a standstill - last years craft fairs ran at a loss and I am not sure I have it in me to continue to put myself through all that again, or even know how to move forward.
I am an underachiever, in fact - a failure.
Uncertainty seems the flavour of the month with decisions to make - if only I knew all the options. If only I knew what to do.
The root problem - Depression - has a grip of me... like a snare, the more I struggle the tighter the grip. And fight it I have. I have reached out to others, tried to keep busy and involved over at cre8buzz. Tried to keep my humour.
Tried to control the decline to limit the damage. Now I am just tired.
Sleep seduces. Interests, a vague memory. Everything an incredible effort. I don't want to go out... don't want to take photographs. I am tired and lack motivation.
I'm not living - I am simply existing.
I am bemused by the professionals' input, the nurse draws up a daily routine planner - Oh so simple actions but a mountain to climb.
I have tried to establish a community over at cre8buzz in the photography community but feel my efforts are not enough. I feel an outsider and I so wanted to belong. I have tried to remain positive here in my blog - not be negative, but I am not a dreamer for if I were I'd see a vision of my future .
Melody, over at SlurpingLife slurpinglife.typepad.com/slurping_life/ has written a post about - me.
slurpinglife.typepad.com/slurping_life/2008/01/sharing-the-bea.html
This is the second time this week someone has written about me. I am speechless.
The scholar aka Gigi Leonard of the roadsidescholar blog has written a post about - me.
www.roadsidescholar.com/2008/01/14/janine-kain-photography/
Thank you Gigi.
I am considering entering my first photographic competition of 2008. The 42 Photographic Competition + Exhibition will be judged on the 25th February and the idea is to portray the city of Dundee. It will be my second ever entry into a competition and what I like about this competition is every entry will also be part of an exhibition which will last for two weeks.
I am considering entering a monochrome print - River Tay Railbridge in Fog.
www.flickr.com/photos/jackal1/2068635455/
Historically it was the the scene of Scotland's worst rail disaster back in 1879 in which 75 folks died after part of the bridge collapsed in a storm and six carriages fell into the river.
What, in your opinion, does it mean to love yourself?
In an attempt to heal I am going to absorb and learn to live these words -
'when I loved myself enough
I quit settling for too little'
Kim McMillen
Happy New Year to you all!
www.cre8buzz.com/profiles/112/galleries/764/gallery_entries/3989
This time of year epecially the New Year is a reflective time and as I look to the future I think of the changes, the loses, the events that put me where I'm today. I have a tendency to get upset over the negatives and battle to use those disappointments and hurts as spurs to gain strength in knowing I survived.
I reflect more so on the negatives than the positives because they carry the pain, the doubts, the insecurities and fear... and the fear of not being able to let go and move on.All those years of thinking about my father... wondering if at this time of year he even thought of me. I think back to the little girl who kept his christmas present wrapped and waiting for years for his return, to no avail. There was always a heaviness at New Year... the disappointment that again another year had gone by and he had not made the opportunity to get in contact. But this New Year I will not feel that burden. I've let go. He's gone. I no longer have the agony of thinking about him and wondering. It sounds bad to say but I now realize his death has freed me up.
I lost most of 2006 due to his death, my failed friendship with my best friend and my decline in mental health. It was a blur... I was numb, confused and hurt.
But this year was different. I began to mourn and I felt the anger of my friend's betrayal and all the raw emotions overwhelmed me. I turned it all inward.
Back in June this year I decided I'd take my own life, such was the pain I felt. The pain of failure, loss and grief... the sense of emptiness, of worthlessness and lack of hope for the future.
But here I am 6 months later learning to cope, learning to let go. I still lack belief that I deserve success or happiness. I still believe I will always be on my own and I still battle the sense that as a human being - I am a failure.
Yet there is hope... I have plans for my photography. I am determined to show those who doubted me and walked out on me, but most importantly I will prove to myself, that I am a worthy person. I will learn to accept me and not worry about those who cannot accept me.
I know I will face continued challenges to get over the obstacles of my illness, the loneliness and doubts about my photography and future.
I am moving on...
I have submitted my lion yawn photograph for inclusion of the issue 15 of the JPG magazine. Feel free to vote if you so desire.
Name: Jackal
Introvert with sense of humour who struggles with borderline personality disorder. I am driven by a curiosity to explore and express through experimenting in writing and photography.
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