Challenging Times

Friday, July 25, 2008

Challenging Times

I have been reluctant and unsure on how to share the goings on over the last few weeks as major changes are taking place and I have been rather detached.

To cope I have put a distance between myself and reality. I'm basically watching the events unfold as if it were happening to someone else.

However, fact is I have sold my flat in Edinburgh and move out on the 31st July. The removals will be in and my belongings packed in storage, as I do not yet know if the bungalow in the countryside is still going to be on sale by the time I am able to put in an offer. The uncertainty is difficult. But hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will be able to put in an offer.

As I said I have not 'felt' anything yet and I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad. The city, as much as I love Edinburgh, had a negative, toxic impact on me and it was a lonely place to be. Whereas where I am moving to has so many plus points which will have a positive impact on my mental and physical health.

However, I will have a new mental health team to support me and this is causing me much anxiety. After working hard to build a therapeutic relationship with my GP, psychologist and CPN over the last couple of years it feels difficult to 'start over'. I will see a new psychiatrist on 7th August when I go for an assessment of my needs. What services are available will dictate what treatment I will get. My anxiety is partly due to feeling such shame about having BPD - it comes with much stigma from the professionals that it makes me feel so uncomfortable because I fear they will dislike me due to the reputation of this disorder. I get defensive. The other reason is it takes me a while to trust anyone that the process takes so much time.

My current psychologist thinks we need to continue working together for a bit longer for consistency sake. With so many changes it will be beneficial to ease my difficulties by still having a familiar face to help support me during the transition. It may take many months on a waiting list before I get a new psychologist.

I am anxious that I will soon be living on my own again. The last two years I have basically had 24 hour support and have felt the safety net. My fear is that due to my mental illness I will not be able to cope on my own and that I spiral and withdraw again. I may be leaving Edinburgh behind but I will still be 'me' and all the difficulties that causes. So much seems to be resting on this move and wonder if I have a false belief that by moving everything will suddenly be better again. But it is the general concensus that the quality of my life will be better... hopefully over the coming months I will settle in okay.

I worry that I will let folks down - it feels so important to be strong and not crumble but I know challenges are ahead. I am learning to take each step at a time - I find I can only cope with one thing at a time. The whole process of moving is so overwhelming that I wish I could just press a magic button and everything that needs to be done will be done. But life is not that simple and I guess that is the beauty of it all.

posted by: Jackal at July 25, 2008 03:39 | link | comments (15) |
mental illness

Comments:

#1 25 July 2008 - 04:41

moving is harsh. i find it impossible to turn that list making function off in my head. it's endless! but what an adventure. i always think of that chinese character -- the one that is used for both "crisis" and "opportunity" because, in essence, they are the same thing. change is almost always a bit dramatic but equally it is almost always a good thing. best wishes to you on your move -- i hope it goes as smoothly as possible. got to roll with it! (as best as you can. it's absolutely nerve-wracking for a control freak like me!) take care.

limine

#2 25 July 2008 - 10:06

Thank you limine !

Jackal

#3 25 July 2008 - 11:17

I can't pretend to understand the complexities involved for you in this move, but I can say that it is okay if you let everyone down from time to time, and there are a multitude of small failures involved in finding your way in a new landscape. These are not actually failures in the grand scheme of things; they are flagstones on your path to ultimate happiness. I know that sounds corny, but I've found it to be true. The only times I've ever really failed have been the times I've been too scared to try. Your courage continues to impress and inspire me.

Hugs.

InMyLife

#4 25 July 2008 - 13:45

It's good at this time of change that you will have some consistencies as well as new opportunities. Like anything in life, you just have to take it step by step; if you need to tackle one thing at a time, then that's the way it needs to be done.
I have no doubt that over the next week your concern will rise as the final date approaches, but hopefully this will decrease as you move from one step of your life to the next. The positive vibes when you talked about this move, show what positive opportunities you believe it can bring you.
We all hate change, its the step from the known into the unknown or uncertain. Hopefully for you the unknown will just be a passing moment, while you adjust to your new environment and support team.
All the best,
Ian

Anonymous

#5 25 July 2008 - 16:47

Ah, Jackal - I can't say it any better than they have. My heart goes out to you for having the courage to make this move. You really are an amazing woman. *hugs and hugs*

RomaCittaEterna

#6 26 July 2008 - 01:56

I can tell by your post that you try very hard to remain positive and do not want to disappoint anyone. I believe we tend to set ourselves up with expectations beyond what other people expect. Meaning we are much too hard on ourselves.

Kudos to you for taking that step and continuing to focus on your future. There are so many lost souls that cannot even decide what steps they should take to survive.

Don't be so hard on yourself! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Viv

Anonymous

#7 26 July 2008 - 11:20

You see yourself as such an "abnormal" person, but sweetheart, what you're feeling right now is completely normal.

First: I'd rather be beaten than move. I hate it. I don't have BPD, and the thought of moving fills me with so much anxiety that I can hardly breathe.

Second: I am the QUEEN of geographical cures. It would be embarrassing to admit how many times I've picked up my life and moved thinking, "...if I could just start over somewhere new, everything will be better..."! And when I got there, well, there I was.

Third: Like so many of us, you're expecting too much from yourself. You don't have to have BPD to screw up or let people down. It's going to happen. We all do it. No one is strong all the time. But that doesn't mean THIS is automatically going to be one of those times!

The fact is, some of us don't have the strength and courage to see the negatives in our lives and do something about them and we aren't even fighting the battles you are fighting, girl! The fact that you deal with this illness every single day and still have the courage to make a change like this... hello?!?! Personally, that tells me you're much stronger than you think, and you obviously rock.

Maybe you could show us pics of the new place once you get there. I know I'm romanticizing huge, but a bungalow on a countryside in England... I am soooo there, chick!

*hug*

Ladyinthemoon

#8 26 July 2008 - 17:03

As always, what LITM and everyone else said so well. You're much stronger than you realize...I think we're all much stronger than we realize.

And of course once you get settled in to the bungalow, we'll all fly over for the housewarming party. :-)

greeneyes

#9 26 July 2008 - 19:18

I SO second Lady! Damn, she really does have a way of saying things, doesn't she? *^5s Lady*

RomaCittaEterna

#10 26 July 2008 - 19:24

Thanks everyone for your continued support.

Housewarming party?? sounds a great idea - I'd love you to all come over... could you imagine that??

Jackal

#11 28 July 2008 - 00:33

It sounds like you're approaching this the smart way. One thing at a time. It also sounds like your psych is a good professional who cares about you. I'm glad someone who knows you well is helping you through this transition. You aren't losing site of the positive aspects of your new environment, but I didn't hear you mention any potential positive ways you might handle it (just the bad things that might happen.) Don't forget those! :) You're a strong person, and I'm excited for you. (But just in case, I'm also praying for you :)

Anonymous

#12 28 July 2008 - 19:26

Good point. Thank you!

Jackal

#13 31 July 2008 - 09:26

You know you can call me anytime, I know you don't show me the full extent of your feelings and turmoil but I am still here, you just have to ask. Your new gp is someone that I had when I was living in the city. I trust him implicitly. He always respected me and my feelings. I hope you will find that too.

I am glad that you have decided to move, it's what I always hoped for and I'm delighted to hear how many contacts you have made. These people are the ones that will keep you going on a day to day basis. They may not be as important as mum or your medical people but they are people YOU have met up with, you did it, no-one else, and these contacts/friends/acqaintances may come and go but they all fulfill needs in different ways, like being active with K, getting respect from those you help at craft group etc.

Don't be too hard on yourself, or others. You have taken a HUGE step to remove yourself from the isolation of Edinburgh. You have taken a HUGE step in regaining a little independence by looking for your own place. Yet you know you have the security of mum near by and I am not far away either.

It's a tough road you are on and, whilst I've not been where you are, I have been on similar roads. I do understand a little.

Stay strong, I am proud of you.

Your sis! x

Anonymous

#14 31 July 2008 - 17:47

Thank you !

love and {{{ huggles }}}

Jackal

#15 04 August 2008 - 15:20

I'm sure everyone has said everything I could think of, but I'll just add that when you know that your environment is having a negative effect on you, then it is time to go. As you may know, I speak from experience. Some may call it running away, but I call it saving your life. Good luck in the new place. The countryside is a good thing!